Hi, my name is Charlie Sheen and I might be having a mental breakdown. Winning!
Like Tom Cruise, I'm unfortunately to be a manchild who never grew up and can't face the thought of turning 50 in just 4 years. So after the drug binges and the porn stars, I'm going on an attention binge. Because I'm immortal or at least high enough on whatever I'm taking to run away from my life to think so.
You know how we're all born and then we die. Well that doesn't apply to me. Because I'm special. I'm a ninja pirate warlock with tiger's blood and an inability to confront my mortality. Or even the thought of getting old. How do I deal with that? Winning!
As long as people are paying attention to me, I'm obviously alive. So as long as I can get people to keep focusing on me, then for all intents and purposes, I'm immortal. Winning!
Look at you normal people who try to have functional lives, going through the stages of life like chumps. You know who's not a chump, Charlie Sheen. Charlie realized life ends at 23 and he's still 23. In his own mind. Where he's also a Vatican warlock and the coolest guy on earth. And damn it, he will sue everyone who tells him otherwise. Because he can't fail. Can't lose. Can't deal. He's Charlie Sheen.